That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
