Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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