All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
