i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I pour the whiskey from now on
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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