plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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