I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Randomize
