I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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