I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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