grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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