Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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