I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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