Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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