But, the reference to being horny and then blending a banana is troubling
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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