She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
The police scanner is talking about you again....
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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