What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
