Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
