I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
