I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
