dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
