Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Randomize
