A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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