I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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