I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
