I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
you win again, gameday.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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