FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
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I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
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I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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