kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
it's great music for shaving your balls
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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