I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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