i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Randomize
