so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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