dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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