Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
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