i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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