there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
