I accidentally burped into my bong.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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