What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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