I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
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