I will die if light touches me.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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