I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
