grandma shit on top of the toilet
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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