im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
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