Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
