its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
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