Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
