my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
