I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Randomize
