last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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