you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
