he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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