I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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