sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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