I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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