There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
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