the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
