i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
