dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
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I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
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You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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