So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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