Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
