ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
