Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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